about myself lately

I am a very dependent person. What I do and what I think depend on my mood and my surroundings. I can be a garbage bin for my friends. They can always talk to me, share their thoughts and feelings with me, and not only I can be a good listener, if they want to, I can be a not-so-bad laugh-maker.. if I may not say problem-solver. And I’m happy to be someone’s shoulder to cry on. I feel needed, I feel useful, truthful, and to see them laugh after they shed a tear, or to know that what I told them was a very relieving word for them, is a one fine moment that I really treasure.

On the other hand, I can also be someone who’s really fragile, really need protection, really need step-by-step manual guide about how to get rid of my problems, how to do when I’m in a certain situation, how to act when I meet my cul-de-sac, and most of all.. when I have to let go. I have been letting go for some reasons in some cases for a few times before. Even so, letting go has never been an easy job for me. My comfort zone is way too comfort, and the fear to face uncertain and unknown future is something I cannot bear.

None of what I have, had, nor will have is mine. They are all lent to me for special purpose which would be known by full-consciousness and maturity. Regarding that fact, I should never moan whenever they are taken from me, and I should never be too proud of having ones. Conversely, I must be perfectly aware that I have to take care everything I own, so that when someday they all are taken from me, the owner won’t be disappointed.

Everything happens for a reason, a good one of course. And everything is definitely going to happen on time, which no one would ever know. Sometimes I feel like this is so for me, and this is meant to be like this.. for me. And this is how it should be. And they all come up in mind because I thought everything was so right, so feels-like-meant-to-be, so.. perfect for me. I’ve been trying to take care, to hold it tightly, to cherish every single time I have for it the best way I could. Well, the fact is sometimes I cannot control my mood, hence I take them for granted. Being sorry is simply useless, but if only I could turn back the clock the other way around, I would love to have it all over again and act differently, better.

Yes, everything happens for the reasons. I sometimes feel like I have done everything to keep what I have safe and warm. But it seems like it’s not enough. Well, I now realize that it’s not about enough or not enough. It’s about.. the reason. It’s because.. well, that is it. There will be no extension. That is my time limit and I have to let loose, get up, and be ready for another destination. Should there be another opportunity to have the same thing, let it be that way. It might mean that.. well, I get another shot.. to do what I didn’t, to fix what was broken. And even if it happens, no one knows when exactly it is. One thing for sure, it will be on the best time.

[.. just to ensure that I stand still no matter how hard the wind is..]

konstruksi sosial

kmrn ada pembicaraan ky gini antara gw sm salah seorang sepupu gw:

dia: gimana mobil kamu?

gw: ya udah aku masukin ke bengkel yg aa bilang. aku udah tes dulu kebenaran bengkel itu, "mas, kmrn sempet ngerjain mobil stream biru ya?". terus kata mas2nya, "oh, iya.. punya siapa tuh, pak ari ya? yg anaknya balet di depan kan? kmrn juga temennya baru masukin tuh, pak idris ya?". oh, berarti bener dong niy bengkel yg aa tunjukin..

dia: iya, si pak suwarna..

[singkat kata.. pembicaraan masuk ke topik berikut..]

dia: lha, gimana siy, neng.. namanya juga bengkel cat.. ya selain ngetok udah pasti dicat juga lah.. emang kamu kmrn ngomongnya gimana sm dia?

gw: ya aku bilang, "dibenerin aja dulu, pak.. ngecatnya belakangan.."

dia: yeee.. gimana siy.. ga bener niy.. suruh dong si pacar nemenin.. [perhatikan kalimat berikut!, -red] emang siy gimana2 kamu musti tau sendiri, ngerti soal bengkel segala macem..tapi kan kalo ada yg cowo yang nemenin jadi lebih aman.. gimana siy, emang pacarnya ke mana.. bukannya nemenin.. payah juga..

aku: aku emang ga bilang dia mau ke bengkel siy..

dia: yeehh.. gimana siy niy anak..

aku: males ah, ribet..

dia: ya bukannya gitu dong, aah.. payah juga. nanti lama2 aku ploncoin juga niy..

aku: [berusaha santai, -red] iya, mustinya dimanfaatin ya..

dia: ya bukannya dimanfaatin.. tapi itu kan emang udah seharusnya dong dia nemenin. ya.. gimana dong, udah hal yang umum lah dalam relationship..

aku: [mulai loading niy otaknya..] ya iya siy, tapi emang aku ga bilang dia juga aku tadi ke bengkel..

dia: oh, emang ga bilang. kalo itu siy lain soal, bukan salah dia. kenapa dong kamu ga bilang dia, minta dianterin gitu.. ya kalo itu mah gpp.. kecuali kamu udah minta anterin terus dianya ga mau, nah.. baru deh nanti aku plonco dianya..

pembicaraan di atas terjadi kmrn siang. jadi paginya itu gw masukin mobil ke bengkel, biasa lah.. kecelakaan di jalan raya jakarta. apalagi kalo ngga ke’senggol’ motor2 gila itu.. anyway, gw ke bengkelnya emang sendirian, maksud gw ga sama cowo [baca: bokap slash pacar slash sepupu] yg notabene dikondisikan sebagai makhluk yg paling ngerti soal perbengkelan. alesan gw? ya males ngeribetin orang aja.. kalo bisa dikerjain sendiri, kenapa musti ribetin orang lain.

intinya adalah, emang musti ngeribetin orang lain? to be specific, emang musti sm pacar ke bengkelnya? kenapa siy? takut diboongin sm tukang bengkelnya kalo dateng sendirian, dengan catatan gw dodol bgtd soal perbengkelan? takut di-mark up tagihannya karena tukang bengkelnya ngebenerin yg udah bener?

entah kenapa, gw kemakan omongan sepupu gw itu.. entah kenapa gw ngetes pacar gw.. [yg hingga siang itu blm ngebales sms gw.. uhhh.. menyebalkan.. btw, ini berhubungan dg kalimat di atas yg gw highlight tadi..]. jadi kan gw tanya, kenapa ga bales sms gw. jawabnya, "oh, ga sempet..". terus tiba2 bilang kalo nanti malem mau buka barengan sm temen2 kuliahnya [padahal gw udah nge-take dia utk buka bareng di rumah nenek gw, -red]. ternyata, pas gw bilang gw hari ini mau ke bengkel lagi, he didn’t even offer a companion.. naik pitamlah gw. singkat kata: ngambek.

ada beberapa poin yg bikin kepala dan hati gw bergejolak saat ini, berkaitan dg yg gw ceritain di atas..

1. emang ke bengkel HARUS ditemenin pacar? kalo pacarnya terlalu insensitive dan sebodo teuing untuk nawarin nemenin gimana? salah ngga kalo gw jadi sebel padahal sbnrnya buat gw ngga masalah kalo ngga ditemenin?

2. are men really insensitive? or is it just because their women are pictured successfully independent so that men thought ’she’ll be okay!’?

3. boleh ngga siy sbnrnya kalo smp saat ini gw masih ngambek karena merasa ngga diperhatiin, JUST BECAUSE ngga ditawarin ditemenin ke bengkel dan kok bisa bgtd ke kantor siang2 karena malemnya mo pergi sm temen2nya?

4. is ‘curhat-colongan-worldwide’ a crime?

—cape—

sempurna

kau begitu sempurna, di mataku kau begitu indah. kau membuat diriku akan selalu memujamu. di setiap langkahku, kukan selalu memikirkan dirimu. tak bisa kubayangkan hidupku tanpa cintamu. janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku, takkan mampu menghadapi semua. hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa. kau adalah darahku, kau adalah jantungku. kau adalah hidupku, lengkapi diriku. oh, sayangku, kau begitu sempurna. kau genggam tanganku, saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh. kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku.janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku, takkan mampu menghadapi semua. hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa. kau adalah darahku, kau adalah jantungku. kau adalah hidupku, lengkapi diriku. oh, sayangku, kau begitu sempurna.

lagu yg bikin orang mau mampus dimabuk cinta..

old buddies die hard, old enemies die harder

i was at my room, tidy up some corner.. not on my intention, though. my old man asked me to. i don’t really like cleaning up my room.. not until i have my own ’somewhat’ encouragement from deep inside. i’m a lazy kind of person, and too busy with outer self also, that is work.. work.. work.. it causes me neglecting my inner self, my room, my car, my house, my social and personal relationship. it’s bad.. i know.. i’ll come with it later..

so i was in my room, as i said before. looking for a book i bought, to be given to my best buddy who is about to leave the country for some time, looking for wider knowledge and experience on other side of the continent. i found the book, finally. but i also found another stuff.. my high school uniform! fulled with my friends’ signatures and farewell words. in a second, i had a flash back memories. it was wonderful at that time, though..

high school was one of my favourite history. i spent 5 years in the city of heroes, and 3 years of it was in high school. 2 years of my high school moment were the time when i lived separately from my family. i spent my 24-7 times mostly with my friends. i couldn’t remember one second without them. again, it was wonderful.

i was at class 1-5 for a year, 1998-1999. my first year at high school.. yeah! started to wear grey skirt.. the feeling was like.. i’m grown enough. it started with freshmen’ orientation.. quite fun, though. we were so close one to another. regardless those complicated subjects (grade 1’s physics was so horrible.. i could hardly manage..), the rest of the years was so much fun. joined the softball club, high school legislative council (hell, yeah!), crush on seniors (hi, kak willy.. kak aswin.. =D), and also.. heartbreaks.. at that time, i had a very terrible heartbreak. the one i wouldn’t ever forget. especially because it was my first time having an intensive relationship with my opposite sex, and it was memorable. few days after the break-up, he hooked up with another girl in school. can life be more pathetic than that? =(. yes, it can.. i was trying to find ‘rebound-someone’, with the hope to be able to get over my heartbreaker boy. it turned out that the rebound-boy didn’t like me at all. so, yes.. ‘ sendiri lagii.. seperti dahulu.. tanpa diriiimu.. di sisikuu..’

anyways, my first year was also wonderful because one thing. my class won the SKJ and ‘tarik tambang’ competition on Independence Day Fiesta. it might be nothing for you, but it was great! the spirit of independence blended with togetherness and warm friendship. those are amazing!

let’s continue to my second year at high school. heartbreak mode was almost off. one of my former classmates said that he liked me. i didn’t know what was in to me at that time, but we hooked up for like 3-4 months. he was a junkie, thank you very much. and to make it worse, he drank BAYGON (yes, you got that right) when i told him that it was over, and slept on my front yard waiting for me to come out and to see him and to cancel the break-up. it was something.. i tell you.. especially because i lived in a company’s housing (kompleks BI, jemur andayani.. kangen..). so my neighbours were my dad’s colleague.

skip that lousy story, we’ll come into the thrilling part. it began when my junior high boyfriend asked me to come back. i said yes.. well, i thought so.. it was good actually.. we tried to manage what we had not in the past. but unfortunately, he lived in other city.. capital city of indonesia, which -they said- is crueler than stepmother. hehehe.. and sooo, i fell into this former classmate. i received an e-card that was so lovely, that i thought was from him (the moral of the story: jangan terbujuk rayuan lelakiiiii..). end of story (maap ya, confidential!).

third year.. hmm, spending my days with studying, hanging out, going to the mall, chitchatting.. began to join the school bull gang.. boys were everywhere.. i felt comfort and protected.. and threatened at the same time. alcohols, cigarettes, cannabis were there. but it was fun making friends with them. it made me tolerant and insensitive at the same time.

i was the one who always screamed ‘the teacher is comiiingg!!’ every time i saw teachers coming toward my class. i also had a click consisted 8 girls, who had diary of our own where we wrote almost everything. mostly, unimportant! we made chocolate on valentine’s day and made phone calls for the one who was absent that day, just to greet her to get well soon.

i experienced ‘tawuran’ also at that time. some nuts students from other school attacked us. bloods, rocks, metal sticks were few things i saw. pretty scary.. but it was once in a lifetime experience. interesting..

not forget to mention, i started to compete in some debating competitions. it was one fine experience. i was once asked to participate in a competition called ‘miss alpha link’, and i was like.. who..hoa… no, thank you. they were trying to get me walking back and forth in a stage like a supermodel or something. no way..

unfortunately, my third year in high school was also my last year in the city of heroes. i had to leave my friends with all those memories behind. i was so blue that i felt like.. lost. thinking to start a new life away from them, it was so hard.. my friends were like my home. and i felt like losing my half when i left the city.

well, here i am now. 6 years after leaving those beautiful moments. i really miss my high school time..

there are lots of stories i haven’t told here, about my high school moments. just wait for the sequel.. =D

change!

it’s so nice to have such a continuous routinities. it feels like your life runs smooth. i do have it also.. work 5 days a week, about 10-12 hours a day, come home at about 9-10 pm, do some dishes and refreshments, go to bed at about 10.30 or so, wake up at about 5 am, pray, take a bath, do some make-ups, go to the office, and that’s how i do my daily activities. on weekend, yes of course.. spend some quality time with my loved one, do some favor for my mum, my dad, or my sister, hang out with my cheerful ‘arisan’ girlfriends, and the rest of relaxation thing i usually do.

i love my life, especially when everything runs smooth.. as i said before. one or two minor problems.. doesn’t matter. well, it’s not a life without obstacles, right? our quality depends on how we deal with problems, i’m sure everyone is aware of that.

but, it turned out that something tickled me. do i really want to have some sort of ‘forever-runs-smooth’ life for the rest of my life? when everything is under control, those routinities be done just as i do before and always? if it is, my life remains static. well, of course, by having and solving problems, we can grow better and wiser than before. but it comes from outside, right? the stimulus is external factor, while we are only a static thing that remains silent and just receive anything comes our way.

so, i was thinking.. HEY! i gotta get out of this comfort zone i’m in! i do have improvement everytime i’m able to solve my problems well. but this is not what life means. it should be something better, bigger, wiser, more mature me all the time. and it’s not that nice to keep on silent and just be passive in running our lives. i found out how to answer the question, CHANGE!

change is not always something radical, fast, upsidedown thing in an instance. it can be a will, intention, state of mind to have better us. this is a wonderful saying i want to share with you: mind leads to word, word leads to action, action leads to habit, habit leads to character, and character leads to destiny. so, first of all: keep in mind that improvement, changes, self-development are something WE have to create, instead of waiting for those to come. and the next thing, it will come through your word, action, habit, character, and hey.. it might affect your destiny. didn’t HE once say that HE won’t change the destiny of a person unless that person changes his own?

and next, get out of your comfort zone. yes, i know.. it’s enjoyable to stay there, especially when everything is set up perfectly for you. but look around, everyone is running.. even riding their light-speed jet, heading to their goal: embracing life as wonderful as they can. while you, standing where you are. waiting for those external factors bring you there. when will you get there? when everyone is chasing another goals.

as i said before, it all started with mind. no matter how many people with those wise sayings tell you to do this and that, if you have that sort of mental-blocking mechanism, it’s useless. try to have wide-opened mind. be open for everything new, but of course pick those which good for you and learn a lesson from the bad. put aside everything that prevent you from having the opportunity to be a better you, especially YOURSELF. beside, it’s your life, right. you decide!

what are we fighting for, anyway?!!

Again, I’m not trying to teach each and everyone of you, by writing this.. I was just intended to share my thoughts and experiences..

Is there anyone of you who has been in some sort of situation which is pretty depressing, kind of ‘bikin-makan-ngga-enak’ thing, and it is caused by disappointment or some kind of dissatisfaction with your loved one? I mean, certainly, your ‘pacar’?

I do moan everytime about my loved one. Why can’t he be someone who understands me, appreciates every single thing i do for him, takes me as I am, puts some trust in me, and the rest of unimportant things I could think of. As I don’t realize how imperfect I am, I show all those dissatisfaction and disappointment by being in such an anger, ‘ngomel2′, shouting at him, and all those bad stuff. What I get, you ask? Nothing.. except my loved one is also pissed off with those bad attitudes I’m demonstrating. Huhuhu.. very huhuhu.. And it all ends with.. a fight.. which doesn’t worth fighting for.

It goes the same thing with my loved one, I mean when he feels dissatisfied or dissapointed with me. As I said before, it all ends with a fight.

At first, I was thinking that it’s not good for your health to keep a fight unsolved. I would do anything to have myself and my loved one agreed on what committed and there you go.. our problem solved. Mission accomplished. Having a fight unsolved and letting all your problems be your nightmares (literally) are a total disaster for me. I can’t work well, food doesn’t taste that good, everything I do is a total mess. Can life be more horrifying than that?

But then, some experience made me realized.. that things can’t go as we want them to be. The more you push it, the more it stays away from you. And all you get is nothing but another dissapointment and dissatisfaction. Or even complete lost.

Those bad feelings make me even crazier than before. The feeling of being afraid of losing my loved one gets me out of my mind.. so bad that I even can’t think clearly and logically. My bad, I know..

So then, now.. I learn about these few things..

1. Take a very deep breath, move backward, put some space between you and your loved one, and think! Put yourself in his shoes, try to emphatize, and just feel it, think about it.
2. Sometimes we have to let our fight unsolved, give ourselves and our loved ones a break, a time to think it all over again. So that no anger and emotional urge left, and with clear and logical thinking every problems will be done well.
3. Every fight we’re in, should be considered as a way of making our relationships stronger and better, instead of surrounding yourself with negative thoughts that soon this something we have be over and there’s no way this fight will find its way out.
4. For me, slap myself back and remind myself what my loved one and I have all this time together, all nice things and sweet sayings he gave me. And inspite of all his ‘not-enough-for-me’ things, there’s a lot of things I love about him and I might not find it anywhere else, better than him.
5. Just dig in and find out that love is able to conquer all those hatred. If, there IS that love in there.

Above all this, I would like to say, again, just be thankful.

just ignore..

.. what i wrote today..

it was just pms.. hopefully.

……………….

I’m gonna live my life
Like every day’s the last
Without a simple goodbye
It all goes by so fast

And now that you’ve gone
I can’t cry hard enough
No, I can’t cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

Gonna open my eyes
And see for the first time
I let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite

There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can’t cry hard enough
No, I can’t cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

Gonna look back in vain
And see you standing there
When all that remains
Is an empty chair

And now that you’ve gone
I can’t cry hard enough
No, I can’t cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can’t cry hard enough
No, I can’t cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

And now that you’ve gone
I can’t cry hard enough
No, I can’t cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

hatred. missing someone. ego

i hate it when i miss my other half. especially when i hate him so much. especially when he hurts me so bad.

i could’ve called him. i could’ve come to him. i could’ve hugged him. but i didn’t. too selfish, too self-centered, too much ego.

he shouldn’t have said that. he shouldn’t have done that. he shouldn’t have been that. no, he shouldn’t.

why wouldn’t he called? why wouldn’t he come? why wouldn’t he hug me? it’s not there anymore? it’s gone for sure?

i miss him. i want to see him. i need to tell him he’s nothing.. but completely everything.

another part of me says no. i deserve more. i can’t stand it.

losing.. lost..

losing is a feeling i fear the most. lost is something that costs.

i never like losing.. anything. so does everyone, i’m sure.

the idea of losing is about not feeling and enjoying what’ve been our routinity and habit, anymore.

it’s about belongings, relationships, persons, everything.

and losing, never gives space for us to prepare. it happens when we least expected. we’ll never be ready.

just when we thought we’re losing, it’s not really yet. it’s there. we’re too blind to see, too ignorance to realize.

just when we thought we still got it, it’s not really there. it’s gone. we never know, too blind to see. too ignorance to realize.

hurts a lot to know it doesn’t belong to you anymore. feels empty inside, torn apart, clueless..

hard for us to say it doesn’t stay there anymore. alone, despair, crying..

but it’s also sad to admit, we can’t afford it. we’re never meant to be it. we should not belong together.

craving for more. reaching for the shore. hoping for before.

to see that far, it’s easy. long gone.. still waiting to come.

to see the upfront, it’s difficult. nearby.. it’s for us to be home.

no, it’s never easy.. of losing.. lost.

while it’s there.. no cost.