about myself lately

I am a very dependent person. What I do and what I think depend on my mood and my surroundings. I can be a garbage bin for my friends. They can always talk to me, share their thoughts and feelings with me, and not only I can be a good listener, if they want to, I can be a not-so-bad laugh-maker.. if I may not say problem-solver. And I’m happy to be someone’s shoulder to cry on. I feel needed, I feel useful, truthful, and to see them laugh after they shed a tear, or to know that what I told them was a very relieving word for them, is a one fine moment that I really treasure.

On the other hand, I can also be someone who’s really fragile, really need protection, really need step-by-step manual guide about how to get rid of my problems, how to do when I’m in a certain situation, how to act when I meet my cul-de-sac, and most of all.. when I have to let go. I have been letting go for some reasons in some cases for a few times before. Even so, letting go has never been an easy job for me. My comfort zone is way too comfort, and the fear to face uncertain and unknown future is something I cannot bear.

None of what I have, had, nor will have is mine. They are all lent to me for special purpose which would be known by full-consciousness and maturity. Regarding that fact, I should never moan whenever they are taken from me, and I should never be too proud of having ones. Conversely, I must be perfectly aware that I have to take care everything I own, so that when someday they all are taken from me, the owner won’t be disappointed.

Everything happens for a reason, a good one of course. And everything is definitely going to happen on time, which no one would ever know. Sometimes I feel like this is so for me, and this is meant to be like this.. for me. And this is how it should be. And they all come up in mind because I thought everything was so right, so feels-like-meant-to-be, so.. perfect for me. I’ve been trying to take care, to hold it tightly, to cherish every single time I have for it the best way I could. Well, the fact is sometimes I cannot control my mood, hence I take them for granted. Being sorry is simply useless, but if only I could turn back the clock the other way around, I would love to have it all over again and act differently, better.

Yes, everything happens for the reasons. I sometimes feel like I have done everything to keep what I have safe and warm. But it seems like it’s not enough. Well, I now realize that it’s not about enough or not enough. It’s about.. the reason. It’s because.. well, that is it. There will be no extension. That is my time limit and I have to let loose, get up, and be ready for another destination. Should there be another opportunity to have the same thing, let it be that way. It might mean that.. well, I get another shot.. to do what I didn’t, to fix what was broken. And even if it happens, no one knows when exactly it is. One thing for sure, it will be on the best time.

[.. just to ensure that I stand still no matter how hard the wind is..]

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